Holy Thursday

We've made it through Lent!  Today is Holy Thursday.




It's been a rather difficult Lent for me, (not so much because it was Lent, but mostly because of this extremely long winter.)  A long winter and lots of time in the house are a bad combination for my health.  I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety with a bit of depression mixed in.  (I know there could be worse genes to receive from my family, but wow--it still isn't much fun sometimes.)  You can about name it and I've worried about it.  The good news is that over the past 35 years, I'm probably 100% on what I worry about not happening.  That's an excellent record and I'm thankful to God for it, but it is still a very difficult cross to bear when I can't seem to shake it. 
As I've dealt with this throughout my life, I've learned that I do have control over my thoughts and if I let my anxieties get the best of me or not.  There has been an antidepressant commercial in which an "anxiety and depression" monster follows a cartoon woman around.  That's what it feels like.  I can tell the anxiety is there, but with my family, lots of prayer, good friends, good exercise, healthy food, enough sleep, and unfailing help God gives me on a daily basis, I can keep it away.  After a lack of those, stress from being cooped up or any number of other stressors, it can get a hold of me and I have to work that much harder to change my thoughts back to positive ones.  It is still possible, just a little harder. 
The good news is that I predict once I can consistently get outside to dig in the dirt and enjoy the sunshine, much if not all of this anxiety will dissipate, if at least until winter arrives again.  But I won't worry about that right now. 
I was pretty worked up on Monday evening, seriously giving in to my anxieties.  In the middle of that, Nathan spotted a mouse in his bedroom, which required my immediate attention.  It subsequently went to the girls' room, ran back by the piano and, with teamwork, we trapped it in a sticky trap.  I just wanted to have some time to myself and here I had to deal with another mouse!  I believe now it was God telling me, "Think about something else!  Look at this strange thing I'm putting in front of you to deal with and distract you.  Look at your accomplishment in not wallowing in your fears, but getting up and successfully catching that mouse!"  (Or something close to that; I'm quite sure I'm not worthy of quoting God verbatim.)  I didn't understand it then, but it came to me more clearly last night.
Last night, the big 3 and I were coming home from religious ed.  Often times, my children will express their fears and concerns to me, and although I do let them know I take them seriously, I often times will tell them, "But you don't have to worry about that."  That's exactly what I told Teresa when she expressed a concern.  She answered, "But I can if I want to." 
When I give in to my own anxieties, that's exactly what I am saying to God!  Jesus says, "Do not be afraid." 365 times in the Bible, and I answer, "But I can if I want to."  Yes I can.  It's very unhealthy, but I sure can if I want to. 
Teresa had no idea she taught me so much in that little sentence. 
We all have different crosses to bear, and we unite them with Jesus' cross and especially in these next two days as we recall his crucifixion. He uses our crosses to draw us closer to him and we must carry them as well as our hope as we make our way through this journey. 


I can give up the hope and make the cross much heavier if I want to.


But I don't want to.


God bless your Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday!  These three days, the Easter Triduum, is what our Christian faith is all about!